tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
A+ Viking dick
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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