He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
