i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
