people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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