I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
