Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
