Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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