I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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