Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
