someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
