He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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