there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
