I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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