I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Randomize
