Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
