Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
