I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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