i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
