Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Dicks are not precious.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
