i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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