Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
