My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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