you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
