I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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