you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
