I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
