He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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