i just sent this text using only my big toe
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
