The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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