Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
