I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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