I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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