I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
