Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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