mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Why did my mother make you get naked?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
