That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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