Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
So much rum. So many feels.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
