I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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