My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
