apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
