She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
