smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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