i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
