the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
