Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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