Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
dude. I can hear the air.
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