My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
What a dumb baby whore.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
