It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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