For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
