During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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