i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
